Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
