That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
