My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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