So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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