Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
