WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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