dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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