Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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