just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
