If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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