I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
