I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
