I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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