i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
