So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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