I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
