Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
