dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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