Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
