Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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