I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
