we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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