I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
