this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This baby is an asshole
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
