He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
