In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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