My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dicks are not precious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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