I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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