mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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