just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
