Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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