hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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