It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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