When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
