Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
