Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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