dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
