We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
