Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
