Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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