You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
