nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
