I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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