Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
