Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I deserve this hangover.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
