did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
