This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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