the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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