I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
