Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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