Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
only you would photoshop your dick
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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