i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
