shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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