I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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