She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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