the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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