I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm too high and old for this...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
