Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Randomize
