i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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