Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry about my life...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
