You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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