this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
