Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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