Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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